Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Counter-Productivity of Masturbation

  Wanking, fapping, jerking; whatever you want to call it our world bombards men from a very early age with a whole host of masturbation themed jokes, innuendos, references and homages.  Just watch ANY movie directed to a "youth" or "teen" audience, particularly comedies, made since the 1980s and I almost guarantee at least one reference to masturbation.

But why is our society so obsessed with fapping?!  Obsessed enough that its become a basic part of our culture...

  If asked, most modern people would say "sex drive."  They will contend that people, especially- but not only- men, have such an insatiable appetite for sex that they cannot help but "relieve it" from time to time.

  While it's true that most of us do have a "sex drive," I find two glaring problems, religious convictions aside, with this whole masturbation set up that society has so neatly packaged for us...

   First: How dare you treat me like a dog who can't hold his water in time for you to return from the store!  No one can pretend that this "Oh, they just can't help it" mentality is the same way we think of dogs who aren't yet trained! Well I for one don't think that man kind needs a potty-patch for sex!  It's quite apparent that we are very much capable of being responsible for ourselves and this whole "...can't help it" thing is absurd!  With this mentality we may as well let sex offenders and other criminals off the hook; after all, "they just can't help it."  If man is so weak that he can't help but break the natural law, then why have law at all?  If we are only going to fail, why even attempt it?

  Now I have to ask; how exactly is this supposed to be caused by our sex drive?  While it's true that most people, especially men, do possess a sex drive, how is that linked to masturbation?  The Oxford Dictionary defines sex drive as: a person’s urge to seek satisfaction of their sexual needs.  This makes me wonder, how exactly does masturbation do that.  I mean, a sex drive is there to make someone want to have sex, and it does it's job well... But masturbation can't satisfy that need as the sex we are driven to is a natural one -two to tango and all...-, and furthermore it doesn't add to ones potential of having sex; in fact it does quite the opposite.

  "How can this be?!" rings out a sad chorus of woefully misguided teenage boys.
  Well, it's rather simple: a sex drive is there to draw you to find a mate... so why does masturbation counter-act this?  Well, because most women just don't find masturbation attractive.  Any sane and reasonable woman would slap you across the face if you thought this was a reasonable hobby to mention on a first date.  Furthermore, it's taking time away from hobbies that women will find you endearing for, rather than disgusting.

  Which brings me to the title; what are we, I speak to men here - sorry ladies- doing wasting our time masturbating for?!  I would go as far to say that this is an outright attack on our ability to procreate, even on our most primal ability to make love!  So take the time you would spend fapping, or wanking, or whatever; and instead devote it to something wonderful, something fun, something you don't have to lie about, or be ashamed of.  And yes, follow your sex drive and do something women will find attractive!  Learn to play an instrument, read some great books, work out, go fishing, go hunting; BE MANLY!  Esto Vir!

So please try to be a little less like him:

and a little more like him:


  1. Love this article.
    It sickens me personally how companies like Planned Parenthood portray masturbation, as natural, and sickeningly, as almost necessary. Kudos for starting this blog and goodluck!

  2. brave stuff. for as you know, you're not cool unless you have a steady relationship with you're hand.


  4. "Well, it's rather simple: a sex drive is there to draw you to find a mate... so why does masturbation counter-act this?"
    I think you should have asked HOW instead of WHY. Your following answer begs the question that all women find masturbation repulsive. I wouldn't argue against that whole-heartedly, but your answer suggests some use of logic. The act of masturbation is a substitute for sex, and I think those that masturbate are aware of this. Therefore, in using your model that this male sex drive is to attract a mate and to procreate, the substitution of sex for masturbating seems illogical. So to use logic in explaining WHY seems to miss larger issues such as the accessibility of masturbation versus sexual relations or the mental harms of masturbating. Otherwise, you're dancing around the issue and suggesting an over-simplified suggestion: have sex. That's not an option for the choir of teenage boys...

    I attended an NCYC sex-ed talk that went in depth on the mental harms of masturbating with your friend Marc a couple years back. And again, the questions of HOW instead of WHY were more effective in conveying a more serious and damaging result from convincing/lying to your body that you're procreating when really you're just cheating your body.

    Also, not that I am of this firsthandedly, but the females at Steubie may be outwardly opposed to this act, but if you were to look outside of that homogeneous bubble and acknowledge that the world is more disgusting than we like to admit, I think you'd see a more hush-hush attitude towards masturbation. In excluding female masturbation, you've ignored that in intercourse, it does takes two to tango. Females are subject to masturbate (maybe not as openly and as comically as 1980s movies depict-then again, have you seen Black Swan?) If sexuality wasn't viewed as vulgar and was spoken about more openly (then again, maybe it already is,) then maybe we'd know that the other sex is in the same boat here...

    1. It's a lot easier to critique someone elses work than to write your own piece. Since you are apparently such an expert on the subject, go start your own blog. Maybe you'll be blessed with such an oppinionated reader.

  5. Many of times on PBS's Nature, they will show the mating rituals of animals. In one episode, it showed a pathetic bird humping a bird-size rock on the ground, while another male got the female. When I read about individuals who defend masturbation, I think of the scientists mocking that dumb rock humping bird.

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  7. You went to a sex ed talk that talks about the mental harm in masturbating with your friend Marc?? LOL. Just teasing. Great article. I reposted on my facebook and got lots of feedback